How preplanned services can make a loss easier to bear

We’ve all lost loved ones. And many of us have had to plan funeral services at a time when shock and grief dull our ability to do even simple things, let alone make big decisions.

A Physicians Mutual^® employee shares her story of how preplanning her mother’s final arrangements made the hardest time in her life a little easier to bear.

What prompted you to preplan your mother’s services?

In 2008, my mom was diagnosed with dementia. After living with me and my husband for seven years, we determined Mom’s health and safety needs would best be served in a long-term care facility with memory support.

To afford the high cost of long-term care, Mom needed to qualify for Medicaid. Part of the qualification process involved a spend-down of assets to a level that would not cover a funeral. It was a painful realization, because I knew when the time came, we’d want Mom to have the end-of-life celebration she deserved, and one I knew our family would need for healing. But I didn’t know how we were going to pay for it. Medicaid requirements vary by state, so I wasn’t sure what our options were.

After some research, I learned we could use a portion of Mom’s spend-down assets to prepay — and preplan — a funeral. In our family’s situation, it was a great option, not to mention a huge relief.

How did you feel once your mother’s plan was in place?

I was nervous about calling the funeral home to make an appointment with the preneed counselor. But as soon as we met her, I felt a sense of relief. She was kind, and took time to explain the process and answer every question. Plus, she was knowledgeable about Medicaid’s requirements, and guided us through the entire preplanning process with such compassion. When we were done, I felt like I had just finished talking with a family friend and advocate. A huge weight had been lifted.

When your mother passed away, how did the carefully thought-out arrangements you made help you the most?

Preplanning allowed us to make thoughtful decisions under more relaxed circumstances — unencumbered by the sense of urgency we otherwise would have faced in the midst of our grief had we waited. From the funeral home and type of service and celebration we wanted, to the casket and even the smallest details like the program cover and prayer cards, all of those decisions were made ahead of time. And, because we prepaid, we didn’t have to worry about coming up with a large sum of money to cover the funeral costs.

Emotionally, I had no idea how much of an impact preplanning would have on me. At the time of my mom’s passing, my focus was shattered by the shock and grief I was experiencing. Having all of Mom’s plans in place ahead of time freed me from having to make important, on-the-spot decisions at one of the most difficult times of my life. Preplanning allowed me to focus my energy on matters of the heart — like sharing stories and reminiscing through tears and laughter with my family, going through boxes of old photos, and gathering my thoughts to write Mom’s biography for her celebration of life program.

Do you have any advice for people considering preplanning final arrangements?

It’s not as hard or intimidating as you might think. Our preneed counselor patiently walked us through a checklist of items we needed to decide on, and presented options for us to consider. She made it easy for us.

For those who decide to preplan, my advice is to go easy on yourself. For instance, you may not know what songs you want for your or your loved one’s service, or what clothing or jewelry items to plan for (all part of the decisions you can make ahead of time). It’s OK if you don’t know. You can always add more details to your plan later on.

Preplanning is a personal choice, and one that depends on individual circumstances. I have friends and relatives who think preplanning is a good idea, but who also admit they don’t want to think about it. I get it. But, now that I’ve been through it, I can honestly say the emotional and financial benefits — knowing decisions were made and costs were covered ahead of time — far outweighed any anxiety or hesitation I felt prior to making that first phone call to set up our preplanning appointment.

For me and my husband, it’s something we plan to do in the near future. We want to preplan for our kids’ sakes — because based on my own experience as a daughter, taking that burden off their shoulders is one of the most loving gifts we can give them.

To learn more about preplanning your funeral, memorial service or celebration of life service, contact a trusted funeral home in your area.

Nena B.

Copy Director, Physicians Mutual Insurance Company